Thursday, August 15, 2013

"I have feelings too, dammit"...and why lovable is misspelled

Last night in a spontaneous combustion of thought and reflection I had the brilliant idea of changing the address of this blog. I learned quickly that was a no-no.

Got this from Tumblr.com
1) I've known that Lovable (as in the title) is spelled wrong since the second after I hit the save button.  It's a bit embarrassing but I tricked myself into thinking it was cute like a backward R or putting the word mom in front of word ex: MOMtopia or MOMcellent.  I'm not sure if people use that but you get my point.  Turns out it's really not that cute. If you hadn't notice by now I am Dyslexic. Also, Dyscalculia, and Dysgraphia. I've spent a good deal of my life in reading labs and re-doing spelling test. Flunking math test, re-writing papers to pass classes in high school and being clumsy in almost everything that I do.  As you can tell, these things don’t go away and its life long so...whatareyougonnado? Except over compensate and develop the need to go above and beyond and never giving up even if that means writing ill written posts.

2) When I first started this blog.  My life was very lovable and destructive. My son who you all know and love as N-Zilla was a very cute chubby little guy and at the same time he was very destructive. Broken things everywhere! He once gave me a black eye and I’m sure re-broke my nose. There were sleepless nights. Tantrums that would last for hours. I can't explain everything that went on in those early years because I was in a blur. I would write FB post that went like this: I have this son, He is lovable and destructive. So lovable and destructive that my window is broken.
He was at the tail end of being 2.  Now he is 5 and starting Kindergarten in 2 weeks.  Yes, sometimes things are destructive. Cleaning BM from a 5 y/o’s behind is not fun or stopping everything to look for a missing microscopic piece of a train takes its toll on the brain. Other things are happening now that are not so destructive like when your 3 y/o makes friends at the pool party while your N-Zilla doesn't acknowledge his peers around him. Or when you have to keep a hawk eye on your son so he doesn't have a bm in the pool or anywhere else but the toilet.Things like going to OT and speech and making Picture schedules around the house are not destructive just a part of life.
Although their are very few things (if any) that you can say to N-Zilla that will hurt his feelings...I know that he has them and might eventually get hurt.  He is a person.  There's a misconception that people on the spectrum (be it mild or low functioning or ADHD or Sensory) that these people have tough skin and are lacking in feelings etc.  I don't believe this to be true.  His way of processing feelings, pain or pleasure, happiness or sadness, or disappointment is different and my neuro-typical empathy might miss his cues.   

He might read this blog someday and I want it to be very clear that everything that I write about N-Zilla is through the eyes of his mom. Me. Mom-Zilla.  I want him to know that these are my experience not his. Someday he will write his own book (or blog) through his own eyes and it will be okay.

Soooo, yeah that's why the sudden change last night.